LadySilverice...WELCOME!!

[Zagatto]

It's basically a case of mismatched libidos in my case. My wife may go for six or more months without any interest in nookie whereas I'm pretty much ready to go all the time. She feels it is more fair to both of us to allow me to explore my libido within a set of rules rather than deny me or force herself to do something she's not interested in.

My mistress is in a similar situation. Her husband is away for months at a stretch and she also has a very active libido. I know her husband has an occasional lover as well.

Other friends of mine have different reasons for keeping open relationships as well. One couple has a guy that is just a horn dog who couldn't remain faithful if he wanted to. His wife knew that going into the relationship long before they ever thought of getting married. They keep it open so he can continue to fool around (I really don't know what it is that women see in him but he's always got a new woman to play with on the side) and she has taken a lover on the side as well for the nights when her husband is away.

[Andromeda18_]

She feels it is more fair to both of us to allow me to explore my libido within a set of rules

Would you mind telling us what those rules are?
Oh, and how old is your mistress?

[Zagatto]

Easy one first... my mistress just turned 31... same age as my wife.

In no particular order here are the rules:
Both of us reserve the right to close our relationship for any reason if we feel there is any danger to our relationship.

We both have veto power over the others choice of partners (I haven't used this and she's only used it once so far).

We should keep our encounters fairly discreet. This means no making out in front of the world at a party. I got in trouble once when I had a different definition of discreet... I thought that going into the closet with the hostess wouldn't be noticed... I was wrong... I was in trouble for a while...

Oh yeah... this should have been rule number one but it's so obvious that I skipped it. Both of us will ALWAYS use a condom when having sex with other people. STDs are not something to take a chance with.

We are to do our best not to let time with our lovers interfere with our time together. The marriage comes first. If we start looking forward to time with our lovers more than our spouse then something has gone wrong and the relationship should be closed again.

It's natural to have some jealous feelings. Acknowledge them and let your spouse know what you're feeling. Communication is the most important part of any relationship open or closed.

Don't ever deny our marriage just to get someone in the sack. It's unfair to your lover and your spouse. Your lover should know that there is no chance of something more permanent developing.

I think there are one or two minor rules I may have left out but those are the important ones. I can't stress the importance of communication and openness in a relationship. Without those, ANY relationship is going to have hard times.

[rarnom]

Originally posted by Zagatto
It's basically a case of mismatched libidos in my case. My wife may go for six or more months without any interest in nookie...

:eek:

that is crazy. your situation makes a lot more sense now that you put it that way...

[Andromeda18_]

Originally posted by Zagatto
We both have veto power over the others choice of partners (I haven't used this and she's only used it once so far).

I hope you don't mind me asking but why did she use her veto?

[Andromeda18_]

Originally posted by Vicious
Wow!!!! With every post you make, your approval rating keeps getting higher. In my book, your rating is already at 93.2%. :o

What will it take for my rating to reach 100%?

[Ka-Talliya]

That does make sense. It's something a lot of people I know have or are dealing with.
(WARNING: OPINION) I just don't see how having a mistress is the answer to a mismatached libido. I could not give my husband permission to go get laid by someone else. I would want to know everything, but then again, I would rather he not talk about it, cause that whole jealousy thing. I AM THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO TOUCH MY HUSBAND!!!!! He belongs to me and I belong to him. Then again, this is our relationship and jour choice.

The choice is yours.

[Andromeda18_]

I feel the same way you do Ka-Talliya but I do understand Zagatto's point of view. What matters is that they're happy and happiness comes in all shapes and sizes.

[kakomu]

I don't get why you have a wife if you have to go to other sources for the bare necessities of a healthy relationship (sex).

[Vicious]

Originally posted by Andromeda18_
What will it take for my rating to reach 100%?

You'd have to travel 3522 miles to find out the answer.

[kakoi_sugoi_yama]

As long as you guys are happy that is all that matters.

[Zagatto]

Originally posted by kakomu
I don't get why you have a wife if you have to go to other sources for the bare necessities of a healthy relationship (sex).

That's just the thing... the bare necessities of our relationship don't revolve around sex. It was after the two of us spent a week together with nothing more than a hug that we realized that our relationship was something pretty special.

Both of us had a fair number of sexual partners before we met each other. I think this helped to reduce the importance of sex for both of us. In fact, some of the most amazing sex I ever had was with a woman that I can't stand to be around... I'd go into more detail with this but there is a lot more to that particular story that I should save for another thread.

I also agree with Ka-Talliya. Having an open marriage isn't a solution for mis-matched libidos. If that's the only difference between two people then there are a number of things that can be done for both parties to even that.

The difference in our libidos is just one part of things. Another part is the whole ownership issue. Reb and I are people together in a partnership. Neither one of us owns the other. We don't feel that by restricting ourselves to only having sex with each other actually adds anything to our relationship.

Oh yeah... while I'm thinking about it... why was one woman vetoed? It was after I had one encounter with her and it turns out that she ran around spreading all sorts of crazy rumours after the fact. I was very upset with her after that and as soon as Reb found out about the rumours she put down the veto to make sure there was no second encounter. That woman was a poor choice on my part and ended up being pretty annoying for a little while. That just taught me to be a bit more careful with future selections.

Back to reasons why we have an open marriage.
One of the biggest reasons that I haven't mentioned yet is that neither Reb nor myself could come up with a good reason to have an exclusive relationship. The first concern would be STDs but we make sure to practice safe sex so we're not too concerned about that. We might end up with someone going "Fatal Attraction" on one of us but we're pretty careful with who we play with now and we make sure to let any new potential partner know that we're commited to our relationship.

A very common question is "what if you find someone that you love more?" and that is a very good question. This has been a major issue with a few other open marriages that I know. It's very easy to get carried away with a new romance. The spark and excitement of getting to know someone new is hard to match. If we find that one of us is getting romantically attached to a new lover then we close things up for a while and make sure that we spend time remembering what it was to get to know each other.

I'm just now realizing how hard it is to write this stuff out while watching Dora with my daughter. I'll come back and clear any of this up for people who are interested later.

[Mantis421]

I do agree with you Ka-Talliya that if you are in a relationship that is healthy and working you don't need to look elsewere for release even if you have to go 6 months without it happens. Zagatto I am not condeming you in any way. But I guess I am rather old fashon when it comes to relationships. I do view extra partner relationships as even if both know about it as cheeting. But maybe I just haven't caught up with how modern relationships are suppose to work

[kakoi_sugoi_yama]

I would hope that you could do better than Glenn Close Zagatto.

[morgorath]

This current topic reminds me of an episode of Enterprise. In the episode Trip is trying to aviod the advances of Dr. Flaux's 3rd wife. He even tells him about them and Dr. Flaux askes him, "Has she offered you a rose petle bath yet. Oh you don't know what you are missing." Now I am not going to make a judgement about anyone's relationships. And while I don't believe in having mulitple wives, I see nothing wrong with Zagatto's relationship. It is very open and most of all Honest. To say that you own someone when you marry them is a little controling. Sounds like property... I don't want to be owned by someone. I want to share my life with them. That is why I choose that person to marry. I believe that you have many loves in your life time. Adn sometimes you choose not the person you love the most, but the person you love that offers you the best choices in life.

Why does a woman stay with a man that beats on her. Because she loves him. Doesn't sound like love to me. But we hear it all the time.

Zagatto good for you my friend. And I am not saying this because you get to have your cake and eat it too. I am saying this because you have found understanding and compromise in a world that sometimes likes to restirct those values.