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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.
The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
-------------------------------------------------------------A French rugby fan, a German rugby fan and an English rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze, when all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.
The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death.
However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for the whipping, the Sheikh announced: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow you one wish before your whipping."
The Frenchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back". This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done, he had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain.
The German was next up. After watching the Frenchman's pain in horror, he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back". But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through and again the German was led away whimpering loudly (as they do)
The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything the Sheikh turned to him and said. " You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this you may have two wishes".
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness" The Englishman replied. "My first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes, but 100 lashes".
"Not only are you an honourable person, you are also very brave" said the Sheikh with an admiring look on his face. If a 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?.
"Tie the Frenchman to my back."
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There were 3 guys in the rain forest and a bunch of cannibals jump out in front of them and take them to there village.
The chief cannibal said he would let them live if they each came back with ten pieces of the same fruit. The guys thought that it was easy enough so they went to get the fruit.
The first guy came back with apples. The chief said, "to live you must shove each piece of fruit up your ass without any noises or facial expressions." The man started shoving: 1-2-3-4- and them he cryed in pain so they killed him.
The secnd guy came back with berries and the chief told him what he had to do. The man started shoving: 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8- and then he began laughing so the killed him.
The first and second guy met in heaven and the first guy asks the second, "Why did you laugh? You had berries! You could have lived!" The second guy replied:" I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy coming with pineapples!
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This lady was in a pet shop, when she spotted this parrot, and fell in love with it as soon as she saw it.
She went to the shop owner and told him that she'd like to buy the bird. He said he would sell it to her, but he warned her that the bird had been brought up from a chick in abrothel, and had picked up some of the lingo.
The woman said that she'd still like to have to bird, her kids were old enough to tolerate any bad language.
So she purchased the bird and took it home and put it in the lounge room. When she took the cloth off the cage, the parrot gave a squawk, then said "Wow, how about this, a new brothel and a new Madame!"
"I'm not your Madame, and this is not a brothel!" the woman exclaimed, but laughed. A little after that her two daughters arrived home, at which the bird squawked again. "Wow, how about this, a new brothel, a new Madame, and two new whores!" The girls were shocked, but they all had a laugh, after all, they could all see the funny side of things.
Afterward, the woman's husband come home. At that, the bird said "Ah, how about this, a new brothel, a new Madame, two new whores, but the same old customers. How are ya Tony?"
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There was a couple with a healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildo's, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole.
The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $750 in cash and an imitation Rolex.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping.
It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"
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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".
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