crappy days

[evilomar]

Man, I'm really sorry to hear this. As you know something similar happened to me about two years ago. My ex-wife and I had an open marriage and then just like that, she decided to split. She became a completely different person and just changed her mind overnight, like we were only dating and she wanted to break up. We were only married four years and didn't have any kids (Hell it was hard splitting up the cat and the dog). We went to a counselor and she still wanted to leave, I left my house and never came back. I took us 6 months to sell our house. Try to work it out man, and not just for the kid, but because this is the woman you want to be with. I really hope things work out for both of you, and I hate to see people sell their personal shit, because of things like this.

[Amethyst]

For me misfortune has arrived in the form of a wife who says she's happier without me. She says I'm a great husband and a great father it's just that she enjoys life more when I'm not around. The good news is that she's willing to go to marriage counselling with me to work things out. The bad news is that marriage counselling costs a freakin arm and a leg.

To save my marriage I've decided to sell my anime collection. I'm not sure if selling via eBay is the best thing or what to do. I kind of want to keep things with the people here in the forum and make sure that people get some of the high demand items I have. At the same time I want to make sure I get as much as I can for my discs because I'm sure that fixing our relationship will take more than one session with a counsellor.

Best case scenario has us fixing things up and everybody a happy family again.
Worst case scenario has me trying to find funds for a lawyer to handle a divorce.

I'm still away from home at the moment (I've been stuck in a hotel for the past 2 and a half weeks) and I wont get home till Thursday so I wont be starting to part with my collection till then. Any advice from folks will be appreciated.

Sitting here in hotel by myself sucks HARD.
I don't think I've ever felt this alone before.

Well I debated on whether to offer any counsel or just keep my mouth shut... as you can see, I'm not keeping my mouth shut... laugh... I hope this helps...

For some background, I do have some expertise in the matter, I've managed to stay married now for 29 years coming up in December... so I guess that qualifies me for something about relationships...

Just an observation, you mentioned you were away from home and had been for 2 1/2 weeks, are you frequently away from home for work or whatever? If so, that is a large part of the problem... Just go back and read what you said your wife told you, she is happier without you home... meaning she has learned to accept you being gone most of the time and so it wouldn't matter one way or the other if you were just gone all the time... because... and here again, this is only from observation as to what has been said, you supposedly have an open marriage, which means you get to have sex with whomever you're lucky enough to find on your time away from home, (now this is what I'd be thinking even if in reality you weren't in an open marriage) but I'm guessing, she's not having affairs while you're gone, so she's thinking you're getting all this fun while she's stuck at home again all alone... and then you come home and aren't interested in sex, she's thinking you're not attracted to her anymore because you've got all these others... (yeah, I know, that's probably far from the truth, but it is real easy to fall into that mind set when your significant other is away from you for long periods of time, and even if you say you haven't, that nagging little doubt in the back of your mind says but what if, cause he sure as heck isn't interested in me anymore?)

Another thought on the being gone all the time, maybe she is feeling overwhelmed because she always has to take care of the kids because you just aren't home to do any of it... add some stress over money/bills and that compounds the problem tenfold....or add a sick kid to deal with... well, you get the point.

I think the best solution would be to sit down and talk to one another, and be completely honest.... (this is what a counselor is going to do, referree your sessions and charge you a ton for it, you'd be better off spending the money on a vacation!) and to set up some alone time for the both of you, and maybe discuss some free time for her to just take off and enjoy herself while you handle all the things at home, including the kids... which is probably the root of the problem.

As for your anime collection... if it is something you enjoy, I wouldn't sell it... now I might go thru and trim it down a bit if you absolutely have to, but look at it this way, if counseling, talking, whatever doesn't help (and I really think spending more time with your wife is the answer) you're going to be out all of your anime, out all of the money, out your family and still very unhappy. At least you could enjoy your anime... laugh...

Ok, enough rambling... I hope I may have shed some light on what might be happening... and I really hate to see this occuring to you... I do hope you can work it out between you... which I think if you just do the talking thing, it will do the most good.

[Elcoholic]

Wise words. Only I remember the thread where the open marriage was mentioned and I think you?re pretty far off with your definition I do think you?ve got a point about the counseling thing. Maybe you?ve found a really good one but a referee is indeed all they are. In the end you have to talk it out amongst yourselves and they charge an arm and a leg.

[Zagatto]

Here's an update and some insight into the whole relationship thing.

First, my wife doesn't want me to sell my anime just to pay for the counselling. We've got some other investments that she's been holding back that she is going to part with to pay for this. In another month my new job will start covering the expenses of counselling (we might just try to wait the month out and let my job pay for it all).

Here's the situation with the open relationship. The last time I had sex was two months ago... with my wife. The time before that was also two months and also with my wife. Before that was a Christmas party with a woman that my wife set me up with. She knows exactly how much time I've spent with other women and I feel confident in saying that aspect of our relationship isn't part of the problem.

For the past year and a half both of us have been unemployed and we both started our new jobs officially on May 2nd. My time away from home is a relatively new experience for us after having spent the previous two years unable to afford a sitter to get out of the house together. I feel that being forced to stay home all the time without being able to get away from our daughter together is part of the wedge that has been driven between us.

Another extremely big part of the problem between us is the way we manage money. She likes to have enough money in the bank to cover a full month worth of bills and food and doesn't feel comfortable without that. I've been more likely to live with things closer to the edge and have been known to spend money on anime rather than save towards that cushion for her comfort. This difference is one of the largest parts of the problems between us these days.

A problem that I'm still not sure how major it is is the difference we have in spirituality. I believe in a sort of universal spirit that is essentially mindless and that every person is in control of their own lives with random events that can't be planned for. She believes that there is some sort of cosmic balance that doing good deeds will return good deeds. She also follows a set of Wiccan beliefs that I have trouble buying into. This difference in spirituality is probably a bigger part of the wedge than I give it credit for.

Then there's the fact that we share almost nothing in common any more other than our beautiful daughter. Her interests have begun to focus on spirituality and middle eastern dancing while I've stagnated with anime, comic books, gaming, the SCA, photography, video games and the all the rest of the hobbies I've enjoyed over the years.

To top things off, she hasn't been sexually attracted to me in a number of years. Most of the time she agrees to have sex with me it out of a sense of duty rather than because she wants to. Since the birth of our daugheter we've been averaging about once per season. Even though we have an open relationship, neither of us have been pursuing other lovers. We both know there has been a problem with our relationship and going to someone else isn't a solution.

I thank everyone for their support and feedback with this. You guys are a great community to be a part of and I'm happy to have you all with me on this.

[vegeta76]

that really sucks zag. i hope things all work out in the end for you and your family

[onizuka17711]

Even if you hate it, I suggest you try doing things that she enjoys (like the dancing thing) and at least pretend to have a good time. Even if only a little, that might help .

[Andromeda18_]

Onizuka is actually onto something here. I've always had the idea that for a relationship to work both people must compromise and I've realized this to be true. When it comes to every aspect of a relationship compromising is important.

If you have completely different interests don't let that keep you apart. Perhaps it's time for each of you to participate in the other one's activities. I'm not a huge fan of soccer but because my boyfriend is I try watching some games with him, keep up with soccer news and I never complain when he wants to watch a game rather than do something else with me. Watching the game will give him pleasure and we can always do whatever we were going to do some other time. In the same way he pays real attention to me when I'm talking about science or fashion and he actually tries to participate in the conversation, not to mention he goes to the gym, when he'd rather be home doing something else, just to keep me company. I know he's making a real effort. This sort of atittude is important, I think. Even if you have no interest whatsoever in the other person's interests, making an effort will show the other person you care.

Another thing that is extremely important is spending time together, afterall "out of sight, out of mind". Just be with her, even if you're doing completely different things. That's why I think going on a vacation (like Amethyst said) would be great. Leave your daughter in the care of a relative and just go away for a week or two. Just the two of you, reconnecting, I'm certain it would do wonders. I know you don't really have the money for that but it might be more effective than counselling. However, I do think you need couseling, a different sort of counselling, sexual counselling.

As far as sex is concerned the birth of a child is almost always a negative thing. Marriages are usually affected by it, particularly in the first year. And the fact that you've both been unemployed until recently doesn't help either. If you haven't been able to change this yourselves I think a professional might indeed be able to help.

I must say that it's very good that your wife is willing to part with your investments in order to pay for counselling. That shows she too wants to save her marriage. The way I see it that's good news.

[Cidien]

Use paragraphs please. Can't ever bring myself to read one giant paragraph lol.

[Andromeda18_]

I hope it's better now. I have this tendancy to write non-stop without using any paragraphs. I later review the whole text and divide it into paragraphs but here in the forums I don't usually bother with that. :p

[Zagatto]

I'm home now and looking forward to starting the work involved in repairing our relationship. This week is going to be particuarly challenging since we will have my son living with us till next weekend.

The best part of the news is that if I wait until August 2nd before going to a counsellor, the benefits from my job will cover the expenses. Reb and I have been talking about it and we agree that we've had problems this long so waiting another two weeks shouldn't do much more damage. We've also been asking lots of questions of ourselves and each other over the past few weeks and have come up with a list of things to work on together (including a number of things that people have mentioned in this thread).

Understanding what each of us needs in life is the biggest question facing us right now. It sounds easy when you ask yourself "what do I need to keep myself happy?" but when you look at the question and get past the food/shelter/warmth things it gets a bit harder to distinguish between something you want and something you need. If this were easy, we would have done it some time ago.

[Cidien]

Thought this would be a good thread to post this in. Seems after almost 3 years together my girlfriend decides we're too young or some stupid shit and she's not ready for a long term relationship. That was kind of a slap in the face considering I was going to ask her to marry me if she would move to europe with me if I joined the military.... I really thought I had found the person i'd spend the rest of my life with. =/

I had a lot more to say but now that i'm typing it up I really don't have any motivation anymore. Just thought i'd add the newist shit to the crappy days thread....

[Batz Kage]

Thought this would be a good thread to post this in. Seems after almost 3 years together my girlfriend decides we're too young or some stupid shit and she's not ready for a long term relationship. That was kind of a slap in the face considering I was going to ask her to marry me if she would move to europe with me if I joined the military.... I really thought I had found the person i'd spend the rest of my life with. =/

I had a lot more to say but now that i'm typing it up I really don't have any motivation anymore. Just thought i'd add the newist shit to the crappy days thread....

Eh, I'm paranoid, but I'd say I'm about right there with you; my gal told me we were going to get married, now she's MIA, avoiding me again. She herself, she has a bad habbit of not thinking things through & acting on impulses, I trust her, but then again she's dropped me cold more than once; damn my paranoia, it has be going through anxiety problems -_-

[onizuka17711]

Thought this would be a good thread to post this in. Seems after almost 3 years together my girlfriend decides we're too young or some stupid shit and she's not ready for a long term relationship. That was kind of a slap in the face considering I was going to ask her to marry me if she would move to europe with me if I joined the military.... I really thought I had found the person i'd spend the rest of my life with. =/

I had a lot more to say but now that i'm typing it up I really don't have any motivation anymore. Just thought i'd add the newist shit to the crappy days thread....

That really sucks. You are still pretty young, though, to be getting married. Meh, I'm sure you'll find someone new to make you happy.

[Cidien]

Ya, but three years is a long time. I don't even like being in my room much right now just cuz damn near everything in here reminds me of her for one reason or another...

That and i've grown attached to her family. =/ That's almost as bad as losing her right there.

[Batz Kage]

Ya, but three years is a long time. I don't even like being in my room much right now just cuz damn near everything in here reminds me of her for one reason or another...

That and i've grown attached to her family. =/ That's almost as bad as losing her right there.

one thing I hate the most is when you were with your gal you listened to your favorite band, then when she's gone, there's to much negative connotation -_-