'Over there'

[Ossie]

Hey, ive just been reading this book of essays by a lot of prominent american writers about the current political climate and how america see's the rest of the world. Just thought I would share one I thought was pretty good and important since the US elections are so near. It was probably one the funniest aswell:

Okay, think of the world as a family: a big, dysfunctional family with a mother, and a father, and lots of sons and daughters and cousins and nephews and nieces. The father is America?he is big and strong, and wants to protect the family. And the mother?the mother is out of town. Or dead. No?the mother is Great Britain, except technically she?s the grandmother, because she gave birth to America. So now America is totally huge, and married to his tiny little mother.

Bear with me here.

One day the father (America) notices that the lawn, which is Iraq, is looking a little shaggy, and there?s some crabgrass, and something that looks like it might be poison ivy, so he asks a few of his teenage sons?France, Germany, Russia, etc.?to help him take care of the problem. Except they think the lawn doesn?t look so bad, really, and that?s not poison ivy, that?s regular ivy, and didn?t we just cut the grass like ten years ago? So the father gets all huffy and says, ?Fine, I?ll do it all myself,? though in the end he gets some of the little baby kids, like Poland and Eritrea, to help out by making lemonade or something. Except the baby kids are actually older than the father, so they?re like really old little kids. Like tiny little old people.

Anyway, Dad really goes at that lawn. He cuts it right down to the dirt and hacks away at the crabgrass, and rips out all the ivy, which turns out to be just regular ivy after all. Except now that the grass is gone, actual poison ivy starts growing in, and Dad is beginning to get itchy. So he?s like, ?Hey, Germany! Hey, France! Come and help me clean up here, do you want your old man to be itchy for the next five years, and you might get itchy too,? and the teenagers, who are actually quite old, in fact some of the oldest people in the whole family, are like, ?Go and buy some cortisone, jerk,? and even the little kids are mad, because Dad never thanked them for the lemonade. So?

Scratch that.

The world is really more like a zoo. America is the zookeeper, and there are lots of assistant zookeepers, like Great Britain and Germany and France and Russia, who have various duties at the zoo. Except they also have outside interests, for instance Russia likes kite-flying, and France likes stamp-collecting. Kite-flying being space exploration, and stamp-collecting being wine. But at the zoo, America is the head zookeeper.

There are a lot of animals in the zoo, and some of them are allowed to walk around the zoo outside their cages, but others, like the lion (Iraq) are locked up. Anyway, a while ago, the old zookeeper, who was the father of the current zookeeper, got in a fight with the lion, but didn?t finish him off. (America is his own father here, but you know what I mean.) So the current zookeeper hates the lion because the lion humiliated his father. And one day he looks into the lion?s cage with binoculars, and he thinks he sees chemical, biological and nuclear weapons. So he sends some monkeys in there to check it out. They don?t find anything, but the zookeeper attacks the lion anyway, and he kicks the lion?s ass, and it turns out the monkeys (UNSCOM) were right, and now the lion has fleas. Diseased fleas. So America has to get a flea collar.

No, wait.

The world is a planet. Yes: a planet, hurtling through space, maintaining the optimum temperature, atmosphere, chemical composition and ocean-to-landmass ratio to support a vast, teeming variety of life. This life is dominated by a single species, itself governed by rules of infinite and ever-evolving complexity. Indeed, no other species in the history of this planet that is the world has ever exhibited such a dazzling array of contradictory behaviours.

And let us assume that the dominant group of the dominant species of this planet has a leader, and that leader was elected in a free and fair election, even if technically he wasn?t, but this is all a for-instance, so just let me finish here. And this leader takes a long look at this planet that is the world, and he looks back on its long, complex history (or rather his aides brief him on it, although he gets a faraway look in his eye whenever they do), and he clears his throat, and he adjusts his necktie, and he says, simply, ?Bring it on.?

And all the denizens of the planet say, ?Bring it on??

?Bring it on,? repeats the leader and the denizens reply, ?But??

?No buts,? says the leader.

?Yeah, but??

?I said no buts,? the leader says.

?Okay. However??

?No howevers, either.?

?No howevers??

?No buts, howevers, in facts, actuallys, or you-sees,? says the leader, through an interpreter. ?No wait-a-minutes, no can?t-we-discuss-thises, no hold-on-a-moments. No heys. No stop-its. No aren?t-you-listenings. No comparisons, metaphors, allegories, or similes. No what-ifs, how-abouts, or just-supposes. No nos. Just?bring it on.?

And so, the denizens get together and confer over this new state of things, and they are forced to decide whether to bring it on, or not to bring it on. It?s a hard decision?it keeps them up all night. But really, there never was a choice. Ultimately, unfortunately, unavoidably, it must be brought on.

And so it is.

J. Robert lennon.

[Homeless Joe]

lol, that was pretty good. i swear, if bush is reelected it's time for a revolution. he has really destroyed our international reputation. i don't understand how every one is just going along with all the shit he's done, it's disgusting.

[Andromeda18_]

That's one of the funniest things I've ever read! I'm writing this and still laughing hard! Amazing how the sad reality could be turned into something so amusing.

[Mantis421]

Ossie looks like you have been reading to much Ginsberg, though I do agree that it is time to have a changing of the guard in DC

[Elcoholic]

Funny stuff although I actually was a bit offended after the first part, comming from europe and all

Its because of Bush that the US doesn't have the 'father role' anymore. You can't raise kids if they don't respect and look up to you. Nowadays people actually look down on america which used to be the other way arround. I hope Bush doesn't win.

[Zagatto]

I'll be casting my ballot for Kerry...
I've been nothing but disgusted with that man's foreign policy since the day he took the presidency. I heard one description of him that I really enjoyed. Someone called Bush a "post turtle". Imagine walking along a path and seeing a turtle balanced on top of a fence post. You know he didn't get there by himself, he has no business being there and he has no idea how to get down...

[Andromeda18_]

Bush has indeed made the entire world think poorly of America but people did vote for him and many people will vote for him again so what's been going on isn't his fault alone.

[Homeless Joe]

here's a joke i heard, you know what they say about bush? somewhere in texas there's a town missing it's idiot.

[Ossie]

I dont think its that cool when people rip it out of the Guy, calling him an idiot or whatever.
There's no need, his policies provide more than enough ammunition .

Besides the whole campaign of fear the republicans have got going is really rather clever, if people think their in enough danger then unfortunately they might be willing to give up freedoms and hopes for the percieved sercurity provided by bush's hardline stance.
In my opinion American democracy has suffered from a 'panic attack' .
Lets hope they come to their senses sooner rather than later!

[Homeless Joe]

i agree, people need to wake up and see how things like homeland security is robbing us of our freedoms

[israfel]

i'd rather be robbed of my freedoms then be blown up in a mall. i'm not paranoid or anything i'd just rather be safe than sorry. America has become a imigration whore, and needs to inforce a stricter imigration policy. So, certain people don't fall threw the cracks.
People complain about the lack of jobs, school funding, health care, so on and so forth. if we alowed less people into our country there would be more to go around. i know i'm generalizing things here but i see it as part of a bigger problem. we need to give closing our boarders a try and see how that affects us. But thats my isolationist ideal speaking. we need to focus on ourselves for once, instead of everyone else.
~~

[Andromeda18_]

America has always been an immigration whore, that's why the country exists. With the exception of Native Americans all the other Americans are mostly of European descent. Having said this I do understand what you're saying, I don't agree with it completely but I understand why you say it. I believe this is a very complicated matter. The same complaints exist here in Portugal but the situation is rather different because the Portuguese population is an aged one and we need immigrants to come here and do what old people can no longer do.

[Mantis421]

The really sad part of this election this year here in the USA is not the fact that Bush most likely will win, but it is the fact that the people who could get him out of office are so disinchanted with politics they won't be voting in this years election. Bush has done a terible job while he has been in ofice on alot of things but every time he faulters some he hides behind the fight against terrorism speach he dusts off ever so often.

[Ossie]

'i'd rather be robbed of my freedoms then be blown up in a mall'
I think the point is that its not nessesary for you to be robbed of your freedoms to have security and that in the long run it would be likely to in fact lessen your security. Oppressive governmental measures is a very easy approach to take. Its simple and dosnt require alot of thought, it means you dont have to try and understand the roots of the problem. Since the problem is not solved, the approach must be exstended and even heightened to ensure the same aparent security. Gradually freedoms are sacrificed untill you become not so distant from those you are suposedly being protected from. America must decide whether it is willing to let 'land of the free' become a mere hollow phrase used by politians to rouse nationalistic sentiment.
Im quite taken with this analogy i made up with a village, an infectious disease and some really big hi-tech fans :o but I reckon it might conceivably need some tinkering before it makes a modicum of sense to anyone else .

[Andromeda18_]

You are absolutely right Ossie, my country's the perfect example of that. For over 50 years we were oppressed by the government, people were robbed of their freedoms. Were we safe? Very! So much so we even managed to stay out of WWII. The truth is on the 25th of April of 1974 the populatio rebelled and brought down the government. We're not safe like we used to be anymore but we're free and the Portuguese people is very proud of that. So here it is, a real life story of how people prefered freedom over safety.