I typed out comments while I was reading it:
-It's weird the way you did your paragraphs, too little sentences. I felt I wasn't getting enough details in each paragraph. The focus keep shifting in each paragraph as if you were in a hurry or didn't have much more to say.
-I don't think you should have given a mini character summary in the beginning.. it made me think I was about to read a play.. so I was disappointed it wasn't a play. And then going through the story, I'm trying to remember which character name was goth/nerd/etc.. when you could have taken those characteristics and placed them in the story.
-Calculator/game/ this is weird.. using / to seperate words
I stopped reading half way through because it seemed to jump too quickly. Seems like you're missing a lot of details that could have been put in - like characterization or scenery details. I would read your collection of short stories if you finished this... seems like it could turn into a novel too. I like the topic and it shows promise. I think the writing is good.. and needs a lot more time and details put into.
-It's weird the way you did your paragraphs, too little sentences. I felt I wasn't getting enough details in each paragraph. The focus keep shifting in each paragraph as if you were in a hurry or didn't have much more to say.
-I don't think you should have given a mini character summary in the beginning.. it made me think I was about to read a play.. so I was disappointed it wasn't a play. And then going through the story, I'm trying to remember which character name was goth/nerd/etc.. when you could have taken those characteristics and placed them in the story.
-Calculator/game/ this is weird.. using / to seperate words
I stopped reading half way through because it seemed to jump too quickly. Seems like you're missing a lot of details that could have been put in - like characterization or scenery details. I would read your collection of short stories if you finished this... seems like it could turn into a novel too. I like the topic and it shows promise. I think the writing is good.. and needs a lot more time and details put into.