Could I Barrow a Moment of Your Time?

[Blight]

I voted no my kind of story, but I can still give a few pointers on things that might help it out.

First, the story doesn?t really have any suspense. There are times when you are too direct in the narration. Try to infuse some subtly and foreshadowing into events early on. But remember being subtle isn?t the same as being vague. I don?t know how comfortable you are using dialog but there seemed to be a lack of character interaction at the beginning which made me think why bother at the end.

The second problem is the flow of the story. While I agree that it jumps around a lot that can be fixed by simple expanding on the already existing POV. A trick I use to add specifics in a dry function paragraph is to take a broad term, like food, and make it more specific, like apple. Then add some adjectives, like shinny red apple, and you can really flesh out a dry sentence or paragraph. And there is a lot of explaining in the beginning and then there is killing all of a sudden. There needs to be some middle ground there.

Something I liked about the story was the guy that tried to fight back. Not a usual character in these stories, even though he was a little bizarre. I hope you fix her up and repost it after some work.